5 Signs You Are In An Abusive Relationship.

I siddon jejely for my house last week when a friend called me to lament about her bobo's behaviour.  My friend couldn't see that she was in an abusive relationship. It’s scary to admit it sef! But you know it is what is. Very few women want to consider the fact that they might be in an abusive relationship.  This is because most relationships initially start off being emotionally intense and passionate.  After a while, the fire dies down and little annoying things crop up.  Shey you never see am with una korokoro eye?  He stops calling you Honey, you start being resentful about his failure to call you every day. Dis geh, you no know say man pikin go hustle for im daily bread?  Na to dey call you all the time I go dey do? Becomes the slogan of the relationship.

With time, Bobo starts criticizing your dressing, your taste in accessories, your makeup and worst of all, your opinions whenever both of you disagree on an issue. Babe, why you dey talk like pesin wey no get sense? How you take tink dat kain tin? You start feeling like you are going crazy but wait a moment my fair lady! You are not to blame. You are a victim of abuse, emotional abuse to be precise, as Oyibo man go talk am!

 Abuse in relationships exists in many different forms.  There is physical abuse, verbal abuse, emotional abuse and even sexual abuse in relationships. E dey good as una dey read dis article make una know well well di different signs pesin dey for an abusive relationship! This will help you know what to do and how to extricate yourself before it gets out of hand.

You may think to yourself that a person in an abusive relationship will know this.  Wrong! This is because most abusers are into manipulation and are expert at making the whole abuse appear as if it were your fault. Woman, if you dey cook my food as I dey like am, I no go slap you! Manipulation can actually create a lot of confusion and make you feel like you are going crazy.

·        The guy wants both of you to date or commit as quick as possible. (Oun Gbona lovers)

In the perfect love story, both partners know they are destined for each other the very moment they set eyes on themselves. But in real life, love at first sight hardly ever exists, if at all.  You might feel an instant connection with someone, but try to remember if all your associations with people have ever gone well just because there was an instant connection or you just liked the person in particular. Abusers and manipulators are well aware of this, so they try to give you the impression that there’s no need to wait to check each other out before dating or getting married.  This is because they want to gain control over you ASAP before you have time to think, consider and retrace your steps.  The man might actually act very sweet and nice initially, but if it is a match made in heaven as he wants you to believe, both of you should be willing to wait a while to check each other out, get to know each other better before entering into the relationship or marriage.  You have a lifetime to spend with each other, so why hurry?

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How Long is Too Long in a Relationship?

I know couples who dated for over a decade and got married to each other. I know couples who dated for over a decade and did not get married to each other. The difference lies in the persons involved so no one can really tell you how long is too long for a relationship to stay in the dating phase without moving on to the next level. Rarely does a man move the relationship forward and sisters often find themselves edging the relationship inch by inch towards marriage with the man a little less than the unwilling accomplice.

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There’s no relationship If You Don’t Say Yes

I remember a ‘relationship’ I once engaged in where I was in pursuit of this lady for a while but we couldn’t get along because I refused to make some necessary changes in a habit that she didn’t like and I felt she was asking for too much without showing any sign of commitment to me. We seemed to hit it off some months after when she came back but there was never really any verbal consent to having a relationship with me but there were very obvious signs that we could be in a relationship. We did most things that lovers do but there was nothing physical (except one night spent in each others arms) but nothing more. Me being who I used to be, I was seeing someone else alongside but it wasn’t technically cheating. When I got caught and she got upset, my insistent line was that we weren’t dating because she hadn’t said ‘yes’ to me.

I may have been trying to be smarter by half but players usually do that – everything is either by the book or it doesn’t exist. We’re not in a love relationship until you as a lady say ‘yes’ and we’re therefore not exclusive to each other. We know ladies like to act coy sometimes and prolong giving assent to a love proposal; we also know you do that in the hope that someone better might just come along and then you’ll leave us without a backward glance because there was never really any commitment. It works for you sometimes but sometimes, it works against you.

Sex might be the ultimate physical communication of a love relationship but that doesn’t always take the place of a verbal commitment. In some parts of the western world battling rape issues, verbal assent for every step of the process leading to sex is required…funny as that would seem in the very act of it. From very early on before any commitment on your part, it is much better to clarify stuff in the most explicit terms. Is this guy asking you out because he wants to date you or just because he wants to sleep with you? It helps you to be clear about what you’re getting into and it also sets your expectations and limits your involvement if need be.

Sometimes it’s easier to just let things string along and play out the way they might without giving your consent to an actual relationship. We understand when you front even though we suspect you really want to be with us,  so we understand when you front but when it’s so obvious you want to be with us yet you refrain from saying ‘yes’ to us, it ticks of something inside the ego of an alpha male. He sees you as being unnecessary difficult and since he is not committed to you because you did not commit to him, he’ll probably be seeing others on the side. That doesn’t excuse the truth of the situation though that the brother is only being smarter by half: he shouldn’t be seeing anyone else if he’s asking you out. It however helps to be very clear on what you both want and what you’re both doing together.

Don’t assume something is going on when it isn’t. Relatedly, don’t assume something is more than what it is – always be clear on where you stand and always let a brother know where he stands – don’t let him assume. Don’t give him the impression that you’re dating him when in actual fact you’re just using him to mark time while waiting for another brother to show up – sometimes it works for you, sometimes it works against you. When it works for you it makes you happy but when it works against you, it hurts. It really hurts.

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How To Inject More Affection Into Your Marriage

We’ve seen it: those marriages where the husband and wife have a hard time being civil to each other.  They are in it only because of the children.  It is truly a sad sight to behold.  However, this need not be so.  A marriage ought to be refreshing and a source of inspiration to everyone who encounters it.

It is because of this I have decided to write about how to inject more affection into your marriage so that you can read and consider how best to apply the suggestions stated herein to uplift your marriage.

• First, you need to define affection.

Affection means different things to different people.  It is important that you clarify in your mind what affection is so that you can know how best to go after it and in so doing, increase affection in your marriage.  Your spouse’s definition of affection might be quite different from yours.  To your husband, affection might mean sex after a long day at work while to you; it might mean snuggling up beside him as you watch TV.

• Do you truly love yourself?

This is a question you need to ask yourself. To receive love from others, we need to learn to give it to ourselves first.  Find out self-confidence boosting strategies and apply them.  Saying positive affirmations to yourself, e.g. I love myself! will help you a great deal.

• Am I insatiable?

Some women are just insatiable.  Nothing their husband does is ever good enough, affectionate enough; loving enough, kind enough… the list goes on.  It is important for us women to clarify whether our husbands are actually not as loving as before or if we are just a well of endless wishes that can never be satisfied.

You might wonder why I decided to give you some soul-searching questions as a guide to injecting more affection into your marriage.  It is because to change a relationship, one has to change oneself first.  The change in the relationship will follow suit.

 

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How to know when it's to move on in a relationship

Most of my readers have been in relationships that give us little or no satisfaction. However, we ignore the handwriting on the wall and stay on long after the relationship should have been called off. This causes a lot of pain to both parties involved. An unknown author once said, “There are things that we never want to let go of, people we never want to leave behind. But keep in mind that letting go isn’t the end of the world, it’s the beginning of a new life.”
Below are some signs that it is time to move on in a relationship.

When your partner causes you physical and/or emotional pain.
When one’s partner causes you physical or emotional pain, this is a sure sign that it is time to move on, no matter how much s/he tries to make up for it later on. Verbal, physical and emotional abuse is an indicator that the abuser needs to take care of his/her mental health.

When you keep on replaying happy memories of the relationship.
When you live in the past more than in the present in your relationship, this is a danger signal. It shows that subconsciously, you are not happy about the state of affairs in the relationship. One should revel in the current state of affairs in the relationship, not live in a self-created reality of how things are in the union.

When your core values differ.
In every successful union, both partners have similar core values and outlook on life. But when the two partners cannot agree on even the simplest of matters, this is a sure sign that there will be no harmony in the relationship. It is time for both parties to go their separate ways.

When you expect the other person to change.
In a relationship, you should be accepting of the other person. But when there is a flaw you cannot accept in your partner, and wish him/her to change, this is a sign that all is not well in the union.
There is no need to remain stuck in a pseudo-relationship that is clearly leading nowhere. With these signs listed above, you can know whether your relationship has hit the rocks, take the bull by the horns and move on!

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xoxo,
Lush

 

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Pressure Nigerian Mothers put on their Daughters to get Married.

Last weekend, I spoke to my friend Wunmi... She said "I read your post Nigerian Mothers and Marriage its informative but too short oh. Fade, you need to emphasize on the pressure a bit more". So I decided to do another post on it.

“Mummy, do you want me to beg men on the streets to marry me?

Should I pack my belongings into my male friends’ houses? Do you no longer believe that God’s time is the best? If you are tired of seeing me here, just tell me so that I can move out and rent an apartment of my own.”

My friend used these exact words when she was speaking to her mum about her single-hood status. My friend, Dayo is 32 and her parents are fast becoming anxious. They believe that she ought to be in her husband’s house by now. They are not pleased that she is yet to introduce a man as her fiancée to them. The pressure is already taking its toll on her as she no longer enjoys attending weddings and naming ceremonies.

Dayo couldn't even pick a call in front of her mum. Once her mum knows she's speaking to a man, she becomes extremely nice to her, she will bring juice for her to cool down during the conversation, once her mum see the conversation isn't going towards whats she wants to hear, she goes in the kitchen and starts screaming "Dayo! Dayo! so gbo mi ni? Can't you hear me? I need you in the kitchen right now". Furious Dayo has to end the call because she knows her mum won't stop embarrassing her.

Parents please, we know love us, no doubt about that but its gets really frustrating. There was a period I won't go home to see my mum on weekends because all she talks about is Marriage this! Marriage that! and I got married at 26 years old oh!

I suppose, they mean well with their pressures, as they have various reasons for doing so. Some of these reasons are:

• They want to see their grandchildren before they die. Every Mother wants to be called Grandma. Y'all need to see the way my mum embraced that title.


• They believe that having a daughter brings wealth, or at least a rich suitor. Thus, they want their daughters to marry early, especially if the parents are not rich so that they can begin to enjoy wealth through their daughter. Lol... This happened to my friend.


• They parents already know that the daughters are having sex in the name of dating, which they frown upon. It is partly because of this they want their daughters to marry early to have sex within the legal and holy institution called marriage... We've all and/or still doing this!


• They don’t want people to gossip about them. Lol.. I remember my mum telling me that.

As a single lady, you have to decide what's best for you. Constant communication with family is very important. At the same time, don’t get defensive and rebellious with your parents. It is only going to aggravate the situation.

Parents should beware not to pile the pressure on their daughters so as not to push them into wrong marriages they will regret. At the right time, the right man will come along.

Nextweek, I'll do a post on the pressure ladies transfer to their boyfriends because of the pressure they are been subjected to by their parents

Sharing is Caring. Please don’t forget to comment and Share.

xoxo,
Lush

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