The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

The four horsemen of the apocalypse refer to behaviours that, if they occur regularly in a union, are a predictor of divorce or an unhappy marriage. It is a phrase coined by Dr. John Gottman, a professor emeritus of psychology known for his work on marital stability and relationship analysis. It is important to know if any or all of the four horsemen occur in your marriage so that with this article, you can prevent divorce.

The Four Horsemen are:

Criticism
When one criticizes, it is an attack on the personality of another, rather than addressing the specific action you do not like. A criticism sounds like this: “why can’t you ever get anything right? Why do you always show up late?” while a legitimate complaint is “I’m not happy that you showed up late.” Hate the sin, not the sinner!

Contempt
Contempt refers to behavior that conveys disgust and displeasure. Contempt is expressed through sneering (when you do Hmph at your spouse), sarcasm, verbal insults, mockery and cruel jokes. Contempt is disrespectful and research shows that disrespectful couples suffer more illnesses than respectful couples.

Defensiveness
When you act in a way that shows you think your spouse is entirely at fault, just because s/he threw the first stone, you are being defensive. It is a logical fallacy known as tu qoque (and you too!). In defensiveness, the spouse avoids taking responsibility for their wrong behavior by bringing up something you did prior to your complaint. For instance, when you tell your husband, “Dear, I don’t like it when you kick off your shoes in the hallway”, he responds by saying, “what about you, when you don’t close the toilet after use nko?”

Stonewalling
Stonewalling refers to when a spouse refuses to talk to you during a heated discussion, avoids the topic by either walking away, refusing to acknowledge your valid points or tells you he will discuss it later but never does. Research shows that 85% of stonewallers in marriages are men, probably because men are less emotional than women are.

Now that you know the four horsemen of the apocalypse, you can prevent divorce by speaking respectfully to your spouse even when angry, and by sharing compliments and appreciation every day. If these do not work, seek marriage counseling with a certified marriage counselor or social worker. We have them in Nigeria.